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When toddlers dig their heels in it's time to think quickly. Giving in can be the quickest and easiest thing to do but be careful because giving in so often backfires.
Here's an example from real life.
Stuart refuses to get in his car seat because he wants Mommy, not Mama to buckle him in.
Instead of giving in, she acknowledges his power in this situation.
Recognize their power. We're not going to leave for the park until you're buckled and you're not letting me do it.
Give a couple of clear choices that aren't punishments. Mommy's already in her seat and buckled so it's not a choice to get her to do it so here are your choices. You can let me buckle you in, or you can help me do it.
Explain briefly what will happen if and when they make each choice offered If you don't let me or help me, I will wait right here until you do. The sooner we do it, the sooner we leave for the park.
Tell them what you're going to do. If I have to wait too long, we won't have time for the park and we'll have to go back inside without going.
Follow Through
This can work well, especially when you've thought it out in advance. If you have to skip the trip to the park, your toddler will be better off. Use this method for a small consequence, though, not something big like a birthday party because you might paint yourself into a corner if the stakes are too high.
Here's an idea for a quick fix when you haven't had time to think in advance.
I can hear how much you want Mommy to get out and do it but she's not going to because we're in a hurry today. Sometimes parents decide things. Sometimes teachers, grandparents, nannies etc. decide things. I can buckle you in right now, or I can give you one minute. What would be better for you?
Children can feel empowered to do good when they have choices. But choices remain a privilege and not a given. Young children are better off when they can accept and live within the boundaries we carefully and thoughtfully set. It helps them to feel safer.
Think of setting the right boundaries as building a beautiful picket fence around the yard that clearly shows where it's safe to play.
In early childhood education they say that one should have few rules but they should be powerful and concise. Limits are different and can change by age or situation.
After many, many years in the field I came up with this idea for my rules. It works because it short, to the point, and covers almost everything a toddler could think of. Plus it ryhmes and you can sing it!
Feel free to copy my poster or make your own with your own rules.
Want to know exactly what to do and say when a child's anger gets physical?
Or they refuse to clean up?
Or they won't stop whining?
Click on the Magic Words ebook cover to get your free copy now!
Nanci J Bradley is an early childhood and family educator, author, teacher, family aerobics instructor, and an all-around fun-loving person. She believes in the power of sleep, healthy eating, lifelong learning, and most of all, PLAY! She studied early childhood ed at Triton College and received her BS in education in 1986 from NIU. She received her MA in human development from Pacific Oaks College in 2011. She lives and teaches in Madison WI.
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