What To Do When A Child Hits You!

I don't know of many young children who have never hit or tried to hurt someone out of anger.

It's all part of the learning process.

That fact, however, doesn't make it any easier to deal with. And it certainly doesn't mean we should ignore it.

Ignoring or making light of a child's attempts to control what's happening by using force is a mistake. Even though most children will try almost anything to get what they want in the moment, it's our job, as responsible adults, to teach them how to pursue their goals without harming anyone else in the process.

But punishment doesn't actually teach. If it did, we would have a much less violent world.

So what does?

Since young children need to learn to regulate themselves, but aren't fully capable of doing so during their first few years of life, we need to teach them through a skill called co-regulation. Here's an example:

14 mo. Ezra looked up and noticed 3 color-coded wires attached to the back of the TV. His hand started to go up, but then he looked right at me, sitting about 5 feet from him. He looked at the wires, then back at me and smiled, saying "no"; at the same time, I quietly shook my head, no. He waited until I stood and walked close to him, then gave up the idea of the wires and chose a toy instead.

If I had left the room, he wouldn't have been able to resist grabbing the wires, but I stayed and watched him.

The trick is to keep up the co-regulation until they take over themselves, and that will be different for every child and every situation.

Children do what we do, not what we say.

Instead of freaking out when a young child strikes out at you, realize that it's your response to the situation that matters.

Here's what I've learned after many years of teaching communication to infants, toddlers, and preschoolers. I move away from the child. I stay as calm and controlled as possible.

I look right into their eyes, possibly holding their hand to keep them from hitting me. I try to show my concern and my resolve, but always stay in complete control of my actions. If I'm holding the child, I set them down carefully. Then I say this:

Stop. I don't let anyone hit me.

This is an "I" message. I hope they learn to use it as well.

I need to be sure they don't get what they wanted by hitting, and I use this as an opportunity. I make a mental note to teach them a better way to get what they were after later, when emotions settle down.

I don't let anyone hit me. We can solve the problem in a different way.

Then listen carefully and try to understand. Let them know that all of their feelings are OK, but certain actions and words are not.

Not when they hurt others.

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Nanci J Bradley is an early childhood and family educator, author, teacher, family aerobics instructor, and an all-around fun-loving person. She believes in the power of sleep, healthy eating, lifelong learning, and most of all, PLAY! She studied early childhood ed at Triton College and received her BS in education in 1986 from NIU. She received her MA in human development from Pacific Oaks College in 2011. She lives and teaches in Madison WI.

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