Toddlers Hitting? Can Empathy Be Developed or is it Innate?

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Empathy has declined significantly in recent years. Why?

What works? What's best in the long run? Who do I listen to?

There's so much conflicting information out there. No wonder parents and providers feel confused or maybe even inadequate.

I have some ideas that might help clarify that. My ideas have the advantage of being tested with real children—hundreds of them. You can read my bio at the bottom of this page if you have questions.

Someone needs to teach young children how to get along with each other. It's true that hitting is normal behavior in very young children. But it won't run its course, and it could become an automatic behavior or a habit, especially if it works to get what they're after.

But spanking or even giving time-outs just doesn't make sense to a child. That's because harsh behavior can't teach kids to be calm and rational. They learn by observation.

Permissive parenting or caregiving can also have disastrous results. When kids get away with things and benefit from them, they can easily become habits that are very hard to break. Some children may even begin to feel entitled to certain things.

Let's get down to ideas that work with real children. After five decades of experience, I've learned that no two children are alike and not every method works for every child. I've also learned to carefully consider the results I want to achieve in the long run, not to just go for immediate compliance.

Things may take time, but never give up on peaceful strength.

Empathy is not innate. It can be taught. To achieve this, you need to do more than explain and give time-outs.

We need to think about the future. What do we want to accomplish in the long run?

Here's what my behavior chart would look like for hitting. Yours may be different depending on your style.

There is one more important thing to consider. What to do in the moment the hitting or hurting occurs. This is challenging because when faced with stress, human beings tend to revert to the thoughts and words ingrained in their minds from early childhood. That's why it's a good idea to think these things through before the moment of truth.

Here are some considerations:

one

Avoid blame altogether. Try saying, "What's the problem?" or "I see a problem.", rather than, "Who had it first?".

two

Physically move towards the children having the problem. Trying to stop it from across the room rarely works.

three

Deal with the child who did the hurting, but make sure to respond to the child who was hurt first. This models true empathy.

Here's why our response to hitting is so essential:

Just as negative experiences and exposures are more likely to have harmful impacts in early childhood, anything we do to protect children during that time is likely to have significant positive effects on development. Center on the Developing Child at Harvard

Do you want more ideas for exactly how to respond when a child hits or hurts. You can support our nonprofit organization and get our short presentation as a gift when you donate as little as $5.99.

It's called How To Respond When a Toddler Hits Or Hurts.

Click on the title link or the presentation cover to get yours for today.

Early childhood rocks is a non-profit org designed to help and support early childhood teachers and parents. We also promote a collaboration between the two.

Nanci J Bradley is an early childhood and family educator, author, and all-around fun-loving person. She believes in the power of sleep, healthy eating, lifelong learning, and most of all, PLAY!  She studied early childhood ed at Triton College and received her BS in education in 1986 from NIU. She received her MA in human dev from Pacific Oaks College in 2011. She lives and teaches in Madison WI and is the founder of early childhood rocks, a non-profit org dedicated to creating change through early childhood education.

citation: National Scientific Council on the Developing Child (2004). Children’s Emotional Development Is Built into the Architecture of Their Brains: Working Paper No. 2.

Retrieved from www.developingchild.harvard.edu.