The Truth About Whining and 3 Simple Tricks To Stop It

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Nobody likes whining!

Even babies! Occasionally, I see a young child cover their ears when another child cries. Sometimes they call another child a crybaby. That's when I say this:

Babies cry a lot. That's because they can't talk. As we get older, we cry less and less often. We learn to talk and communicate in other ways, but we all cry sometimes, even adults do.

Saying it like this usually helps because it makes perfect sense.

Here's a recap of the major things I've learned about whining over the past five decades as an infant, toddler, and preschool teacher.

one

Tone of Voice

As adults, we need to model the tone of voice we wish to hear from children. That's because young children rely on their mirror neurons to learn about the world.

That doesn't mean faking a sweet, sappy voice when we're not happy with what they're doing. The tone we use should reflect our feelings without being overly dramatic. It's possible to be annoyed at something someone does without blaming them for the larger problem. Try saying it like this:

"I don't like that there's juice spilled on the carpet. Next time, we'll both remember why big kid cups don't belong in the living room. Now, do you think you should clean it up yourself, or should we clean it up together?"

Rather than:

"You're just like your Father, always spilling everything. Clean that up now, or go straight to your room!"

or

"Don't worry honey, it's just a little grape juice. You go play in the other room with your Barbies while I figure out how to get it out of the carpet."

In other words, take the time to think about what you want to achieve in the long run before deciding on the course of action to take today. Most people tend to fly by the seat of their pants when it comes to discipline and guidance, but when you think about it, this approach often proves more effective because it makes more sense. We included a chart below to help visualize this idea.

Once we're sure we're modelling a reasonable tone of voice, we can expect them to do the same. And we can refuse to give them what they want when they choose not to. Sometimes I point to my ear because they already know what that means. "I hear you but I'm not going to answer because you're whining."

two

"I" messages

The first example above used an "I" message to make a point. The second used name-calling and blame. The third message allowed the child to escape without accepting responsibility for their actions, leading to a sense of entitlement.

Innovative childcare providers and parents use "I" messages like the first one to express their feelings without using blame. They separate the child from the thing they did by saying, I still love you, but I don't like what you chose to do.

Here are some examples of "I messages" that work:

• I won't answer to that tone of voice. I try hard not to talk to you like that.

• I don't let anyone hit me!

• I'm going to cook now.

• I'm not going to cook now.

• It's time for me to stand up.

• I'll read more when you sit still on my lap. Your squirming is hurting me.

• I'm going to read this book one more time, then I'll eat my soup.

• I will stop talking to you if you call me names.

• I'm going to finish my email. You can read a book or play in your room. When I'm done, we can clean up your toys and go to the playground.

• That's what I call a whining voice. I won't answer that. Talk to me in a regular voice and I'll answer.

• I'm happy to answer when you ask me like that.

Note: practice a regular and a whiny voice at a time when there isn't a problem. Then It makes more sense to the child.

It's important that they learn what to do, not just what not to do. Try saying this:

Thanks for asking nicely, Raj!

That's a nice clear way to say it, Emily.

I like that tone of voice, Howie.

Sheldon asked you nicely for a turn, Penny. Tell him when he can have one, please.

three

Think About the Future

Here's an innovative way to look at early childhood problems, like whining, with an eye to the future.

I learned this technique years ago in a Montessori workshop at a conference. I've used it successfully many times since then.

The age for the desired outcome in the yellow box was 21.

You can insert any behavior issue into the first column, and work from there.

Here are a few more phrases that have helped me over the years.

• You may be feeling unhappy because your face is going down, like this. Am I right?

• I don't answer to that whining tone of voice. Try again in a few minutes. (set timer)

• That's not working for me. Try it like this "Will you help me get some water?".

• You have a choice, you can wear your green top or your pink top but you still have to go to school today.

• Sometimes parents decide.

• My ears don't hear that tone.

• I understand that you don't want to stop playing, but we still have to catch that bus.

• You can play with this more before dinner. I know you love your building blocks.

• Later. Before dinner. I'm not going to change my mind because the bus won't wait.

  
  

It took me years to incorporate the above language into my practice. I'm condensing what I've learned because I think you deserve to have these ideas now.

Could. you use more of the exact words to say about common childhood issues like cleaning up, tattling, or hitting?

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Early Childhood Rocks is a nonprofit organization dedicated to changing the world through early childhood education.

Nanci J Bradley is an early childhood and family educator, author, teacher, family aerobics instructor, and an all-around fun-loving person. She believes in the power of sleep, healthy eating, lifelong learning, and most of all, PLAY!  (click on the word) She studied early childhood ed at Triton College and received her BS in education in 1986 from NIU. She received her MA in human development from Pacific Oaks College in 2011. She lives and teaches in Madison WI.