How To Build Empathy

If being nice were all parents had to do to raise empathetic children, there would be a lot more empathy in the world. Modelling kind and generous behavior is important because children learn through what they see and experience. But there's more to building empathy than just being nice.

Setting rules and limits is also important. Without them, children feel insecure and are likely to test until they discover how far they can go.

Did you know that there's a difference between rules and limits? I wasn't aware until I attended an early childhood Pyramid training. The Pyramid Model emphasizes teaching children to understand and use social-emotional skills rather than just stopping challenging behaviors. We learned this about rules and limits:

Rules should be short and precise. They should tell children what to do instead of what not to do. Only a few are needed. Rules are essential and non-negotiable.

I developed my set of 3 non-negotiable rules after much thought. I included them here. You're welcome to use mine or discover your own.

Limits are also necessary, but they may change situationally. They can be flexible and may vary slightly among different individuals. For example, Grandpa might be tolerant of loud voices, but Grandma isn't.

Well-thought-out limits are needed, too. Here are some examples of limits:

• Use your walking feet.

• Use inside voices.

• Clean up after yourself.

• Keep your food on your plate.

• Play-dough stays on the table.

• Climb outside.

Both rules and limits can look great on paper, but some are nearly impossible to enforce. Choose yours wisely.

Children occasionally need consequences. There's no getting around it. Sometimes distraction, reasoning, I messages, and explanations don't work.

In that case, consequences should be logical and appropriate to the level of misbehavior. It isn't rational to use violence against a child if the main goal is to raise a non-violent individual. That's why spanking isn't the best choice.

Some examples of appropriate logical consequences might be:

• Separating siblings for 10 minutes when they fight.

• Losing the privilege to use markers if they draw on the walls after being told to draw only on paper.

• Skipping a trip to the park because the child refuses to clean up or help clean up.

• Limiting options for play when a child continues to make poor choices.

Over the years, I've learned that small consequences can have a significant impact in preventing bigger behavioral problems from occurring. Waiting too long to address an issue is almost always a disaster. Thus, the old saying, nip it in the bud.

I hope you enjoyed this short article about setting boundaries. If you need some extra help with challenging behaviors, you can visit our donations page here. We're a nonprofit organization, but we try to act like PBS and offer cool gifts to donors. You can get short digital presentations on hitting, biting, baby signs, and separation anxiety here.

Nanci J Bradley is an early childhood and family educator, author, teacher, family aerobics instructor, and all-around fun-loving person. She believes in the power of sleep, healthy eating, lifelong learning, and most of all, PLAY!  She studied early childhood ed at Triton College and received her BS in education in 1986 from NIU. She received her MA in human dev from Pacific Oaks College in 2011. She lives and teaches in Madison, WI, and is the founder of Early Childhood Rocks, a non-profit org dedicated to creating change through early childhood education.