how to ask the Best Questions With examples

It’s easy these days to be acquainted with a lot of people. But how many of those people do we really know? And how many do we want to know?

When asked, most people say that they prefer a few close friends to many acquaintances. But when pressed to say how they do it, they usually admit that they find it hard to develop the close lasting friends that we remember from TV sitcoms.

Studies* have shown people who ask slightly nosy questions form stronger bonds with others on a deeper and more meaningful level than those who don't.

I met Penny over 30 years ago in a pregnancy exercise class. Penny always had a fun and diverse group of friends that she seemed to bond with quickly and completely.

.

Penny asks slightly nosy questions.

When I asked her about it, she said that she moved around a whole lot when she was a kid, so if she was going to have any relationships at all, she would have to bond with people quickly, and the best way to do that was to learn more about them right away.

And also to make efforts to stay in touch when she moved on. So being a naturally curious and caring person anyway, she asked a lot of questions.

Brilliant.

But we know not all questions are created equally. Questions can be used to hurt, shame and, criticize people, as well as encourage and uplift them. It all depends on the intention behind the question, how we word it, and the tone of voice we use to ask it.

In Denmark, where the people have been voted the happiest in the world for 40 years straight by the OECD, they put a lot of effort into parenting itself, and especially to the questions they choose to ask their children. 

According to Jessica Joelle Alexander and Iben Dissing Sandahl who wrote The Danish Way of Parenting*, some questions they commonly ask their children may sound like this:

Can you see that adorable child over there?

Isn't he nice?

Isn't that child clever?

Can you think of something fun to play with her?

Danes use them to shape the way their children learn to perceive others. With a lens of kindness and caring.

When you ask questions, it's important to listen to the answers without judging what you hear. Otherwise, people will start avoiding your questions. If you can't think of what to ask, just be curious and kind. People will appreciate you for caring enough to ask. Here are a few examples:

Are you Ok?

Can you tell me more?

What did you learn?

Are you doing your best?

How can I help?

What could you do about that?

What did you enjoy the most about it?

What did you dislike about it?

Are you OK?

How could you make that work better?

How could we work as a team on that?

In what way is that annoying thing annoying? In what way is it useful?

What did your parents do right with you?

Is there anything I can get you?

Are you Ok?

How would your BFF describe you?

What can I learn from you?

What would you like people to stand up and say about you at your retirement party?

What would you like inscribed on your gravestone?

Who is someone you trust?

What makes you feel better when you’re down?

In what ways would you like to help people?

What kind of help would you like to receive?

What’s one thing you learned a while back that you still enjoy? How and why did you learn it?

Are you feeling….Happy? Sad? Worried? Mad? Scared? Elated? Grateful Angry? Frustrated? Anxious? Outraged? Impatient? Jealous? Appreciative? Amazed? Calm? Agitated? Motivated? Afraid? Bored? Ambivalent?

Family Oriented Questions:

What does this family do well?

How have you changed this year?

What did you learn today?

What do you see yourself doing five years from today?

Tell about a time you felt brave. (sad, happy, excited, angry, frustrated, confused, elated, calm, anxious, etc.)

Tell me about your earliest memory.

What are you really good at?

Which skills would you like to improve?

Describe your 3 best qualities.

What would be the first thing you'd do if you were invisible?

Would you rather get more sleep or have more fun? Why?

What do you need less of in your life?

Describe your perfect day.

What does the world need more of?

What's your favorite smell?

Describe the last new thing you tried.

What do you think is a common regret for elderly people?

What are 3 traits that you look for in a friend?

If you were president, what would be the first new law you'd work on creating?

What can you tell about a person by their appearance only?

What are you looking forward to in the next twelve months?

Are you interested in learning the specific words that work best to encourage young children to listen and like it? You can get our Magic Words presentation for free by clicking on the mock-up below. It's 22 pages of developmentally appropriate phrases for children 0-8. These are the words professional child care providers use to set boundaries without using shame or blame.

Nanci J Bradley is an early childhood and family educator, author, teacher, family aerobics instructor, and an all-around fun-loving person. She believes in the power of sleep, healthy eating, lifelong learning, and most of all, PLAY!  (click on the word) She studied early childhood ed at Triton College and received her BS in education in 1986 from NIU. She received her MA in human development from Pacific Oaks College in 2011. She lives and teaches in Madison WI.

references

* Huang K., Yeomans, M., Brooks, A. W., Minson, J., & Gino, F. (2017). It doesn’t hurt to ask: Question-asking increases liking. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 113(3), 430–452. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspi0000097 

*The Danish Way of Parenting,  Alexander, Jessica Joelle and Sandahl, Iben Dissing (2014, Penguin Random House LLC)

As the parent of two young children, a fo rmer educator, and the former chair of the Atlanta Public Schools

Board of Education, J ason Esteves knows bui lding opportunity for every Georgian begins in early childho od.

That’s why, as our nex t governor, Jason wi ll make historic investments in Georgia’s education system to

ensure every child and family are set up f or success.

Jason believes that un iversal child care mea ns kids have a pl ace to learn and parents have a safe, affor dable

place to leave their kids when they go t o work. Thirty years ago, Georgia ma de history as the first state in the

nation to offer Pre-K fo r nearly all four-ye ar-olds — but the pr ogress stopped there. Jason will finish what

was started decades a go by building upon G eorgia’s successful public/private provider model to ensu re

that every child in Geo rgia has access to affordable early learning programs, regardless of income or z ip

code. He’ll also make historic investments i n the teachers, classrooms, and providers who make it all possible.

The Plan

Jason’s goal: child c are that’s free for ma ny Georgians, and a ffordable for everyone. In his first ter m, Jason

will use existing Geo rgia Lottery reserves to expand Pre-K to al l four- and th ree-year-olds. Building upon

that success, he will the n implement a plan to expand to unive rsal child care access in Georgia, regardless of

income or zip code, by 2035.

Universal Child Care and Pre-K: By the end of his first term, Jason will e xpand the exist ing Pre-K

model to all fo ur and three-year -olds in a mixed delivery system. The progra m will use existing

Georgia Lottery f unds, which cur rently sit at $2.4 billion as o f FY24. In Ph ase 2, he wi ll establish

universal access to child care by 2035, by building a divers ified funding str eam that includes state

resources, federal funds, publ ic-private partnerships, and p arental contributions.

Fair Pay for Educators: Jason will make sure that those taking care of our c hildren are p aid a living

wage and expand credentialing p rograms through technical colleges to increa se the quality o f care.

Provider Support Fund: Through a newly created Office of Earl y Childhood Expa nsion, Jason will

use grants and create low-inte rest loans for cl assroom expansion, materials, a nd facility

Small Class Sizes, Strong Standards: To ensure the quality o f care, classes w ill adhere to a safe

teacher-to-student ratio and ma intain play-based, developmentally appropriate curriculum.

Rural Access Guarantee: Every county in Geor gia will be se rved by at leas t one 3-K sit e by the end of

Jason’s first ter m because eve ry child deserv es access, rega rdless of zip code.

Accountability You Can Believe In

Jason helped rebuild Atla nta Public Schools after the cheating scandal, redirected money to classrooms,

raised teacher pay, a nd increased graduation rates from 55% t o 80%. That same re sults-driven approach will

define his early le arning plan: measurable goals, public progress reports, and no unfu nded mandates.

Universal Child Care Plan

GEORGIA FOR JASON

ESTEVES

PAID FOR BY GEORGIA FOR JASON, INC