Gentle Parenting Or A Swift Time-Out? What does research say?

When a toddler misbehaves, what's the best course of action to take?

Should we have a quiet talk about it or impose a swift time-out?

Many parents are asking that question as they struggle to figure it all out. I can't give the perfect answer, but I can offer support based on 50 years of experience and a couple of degrees in early childhood care and education.

Before the concept of "gentle parenting" became a trend, critical research on parenting styles was conducted.

In 1966, Diane Baumrind categorized parenting into 3 styles for research purposes. They were permissive, authoritative, and authoritarian. A fourth category, neglectful parenting, was added later.

The authoritative parenting style was found to have the highest success rates. For example, kids raised by authoritative parents were more likely to become independent, self-reliant, socially accepted, academically successful, and well-behaved. They were also less likely to report depression and anxiety, and less likely to engage in antisocial behavior like delinquency and drug use.

Here's what authoritative parenting looks like:

In this approach, parents are compassionate, fair, and attentive. They give short explanations and age-appropriate choices but remain in control of the children. Good-natured control without harsh words or punishments is the goal. Although harsh punishments aren't effective, natural and logical consequences can be used when children test the limits.

examples

• setting clear expectations, boundaries, or rules for your child and communicating them ahead of time

• being comfortable saying no to your child

• following through with fair and consistent discipline when expectations aren’t met, or rules are broken

• listening to kids when they’re upset, disappointed, or feeling another big emotion

• encouraging kids to have an opinion and share it with you and others

• being warm, empathetic, compassionate, loving, and nurturing toward your child

• prioritizing your connection and relationship with your kid over micromanaging their behavior

• fostering independence while also allowing children to feel the consequences of their own choices or actions

• supporting your kid’s ambitions and interests by giving them the tools and encouragement they need, rather than enabling them

So how does this differ from today's "gentle parenting" techniques?

Definitions of Gentle Parenting

Instead of focusing on punishment and reward, gentle parenting focuses on improving a child’s self-awareness and understanding of their own behavior.

Cleveland Clinic Health Essentials

Gentle parenting is a means of parenting without shame, blame, or punishment—that's the basic and most accurate definition even though there are many myths about gentle parenting that aren't true. It is centered on partnership as both parents and children have a say in this collaborative style. Gentle parenting is as it sounds; it is a softer, gentler approach to parenting, and parents and caregivers that practice gentle parenting do so by guiding their children with consistent, compassionate boundaries—not a firm hand.-Kimberly Zapata

If we want to raise children who are able to go after their own needs and desires without bullying others, it only makes sense that we refrain from bullying them.

Children do what we do rather than what we say!

Gentle parenting does have its drawbacks, however. Here are some things to consider.

one

Parents who use gentle parenting techniques can feel guilt or blame when comparing themselves to the ideal of gentle parenting they see on social media. The last thing parents need is blame and guilt.

two

Gentle parenting may morph into permissive parenting when the parent doesn't understand what to do when the child refuses to comply after reasons have been clearly explained.

Children will misbehave because it's a part of their natural learning process. They need to figure out what they can and can't do. If we respond to every misbehavior with nothing but compassion, how do young children learn to be assertive? What are we modelling?

three

Gentle parenting is a relatively new concept, so there isn't much evidence that it actually works.

Here's a response on gentle parenting from Psychology Today.

Gentle parenting prescribes an ideal first response to a child’s behavior, but leaves us hanging for how to respond when the child does not actually change a behavior (like interrupting when you’re on the phone).-Emily Edlynn Ph.D. for Psychology Today Posted March 18, 2024

If you need clear, evidence-based ways to address aggression in toddlers, we've written a guide for you. You can get it here, for a small donation of $5.99 to our nonprofit organization.

Nanci J Bradley is an early childhood and family educator, author, teacher, family aerobics instructor, and all-around fun-loving person. She believes in the power of sleep, healthy eating, lifelong learning, and most of all, PLAY!  (click on the word) She studied early childhood ed at Triton College and received her BS in education in 1986 from NIU. She received her MA in human development from Pacific Oaks College in 2011. She lives and teaches in Madison WI.