End Toddler whining Like this!

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Nobody likes whining!

Occasionally, I see a young child cover their ears when another child cries. Sometimes they call another child a crybaby. That's when I say this:

Babies cry a lot. That's because they can't talk. As we get older, we cry less and less often. We learn to talk and communicate in other ways, but we all cry sometimes, even adults.

It took me a while to get that right. Here's a recap of 3 major things about whining I learned over 40 years as an infant, toddler, and preschool teacher.

Tone of Voice Matters

As adults, we need to model the tone of voice we wish to hear from children. That's because young children rely on their mirror neurons to learn about the world.

That doesn't mean faking a sweet, sappy voice when we're not happy with what they're doing.

Good childcare providers and parents use "I" messages to tell others how they feel without using blame. They separate the child from the deed by saying, I still love you, but I don't like what you chose to do.

Here are some examples of "I messages" that work:

• I like that tone of voice!

• I'm happy to answer when you ask me like that. Your voice sound bright and assertive.

• I don't let anyone hit me!

• I'm going to cook now.

• It's time for me to stand up.

• I'll read more when you sit still on my lap. Your squirming is hurting me.

• I'm going to read this book one more time, then I'll eat my soup.

• I stop talking when you call me names.

• I'm going to finish my email. You can read a book or play in your room. When I'm done, we can clean up your toys and go to the playground.

• That's what I call a whining voice. I won't answer that. Talk to me in a regular voice and I'll answer.

Note: It's important and fun to practice a regular and a whiny voice at a time when there isn't a problem. Then It makes more sense to the child.

Schedule

clothespin method

Everybody needs a schedule, however flexible it may be.

Having a visual schedule posted can alleviate a lot of whining. It can help them to get through times that aren't their favorite because they can see what's coming up. Children get to make choices within the limits of that schedule. The schedule should be predictable, but not rigid.

I love the clothespin method shown here, but any sheet of paper with words and stick figures will do!

The Words To Use

These three sentences are essential to end whining.

• I see you.

• I hear you.

• I understand you.

Say these words often and from the heart. Everyone wants to matter, be heard, and be understood. Remember, repetition is a significant way young children learn.

Signs

Sign language can help young children with positive communication. That's because it helps with their frustration. Good teachers and parents consider it to be the gateway to talking. Some people used to be concerned that teaching signs would hinder speech development, but science has proven the opposite to be true.

Here are a few more phrases that have helped me.

• You may be feeling unhappy because your face is going down, like this. Am I right?

• I don't answer to that whining tone of voice. Try again in a few minutes. (set timer)

• That's not working for me. Try it like this "Will you help me get some water?".

• You have a choice, you can wear your green top or your pink top but you still have to go to school today.

• Sometimes parents decide.

• My ears don't hear that tone.

• I understand that you don't want to stop playing, but we still have to catch that bus.

• You can play with this more before dinner. I know you love your building blocks.

• Later. Before dinner. I'm not going to change my mind because the bus won't wait.

  
  

Could you use more of the exact words to say about common childhood issues like cleaning up, tattling, or hitting?

Early Childhood Rocks is a nonprofit organization dedicated to changing the world through early childhood education.

Nanci J Bradley is an early childhood and family educator, author, teacher, family aerobics instructor, and an all-around fun-loving person. She believes in the power of sleep, healthy eating, lifelong learning, and most of all, PLAY! (click on the word) She studied early childhood ed at Triton College and received her BS in education in 1986 from NIU. She received her MA in human development from Pacific Oaks College in 2011. She lives and teaches in Madison WI.