The truth about gentle parenting

What is gentle parenting? I've been trying to figure it out for a while now. I'm getting mixed signals from parents, teachers and scholars. so I decided to do a bit of a deep dive.

I had trouble finding a consistent, concise definition. Here are a couple of examples.

The goal of gentle parenting is to raise confident, independent and happy children through empathy, respect and understanding, and setting healthy boundaries. This parenting style focuses largely on age-appropriate development.

Traditional parenting styles focus on punishment and reward. When your child does something good or shows good behavior, you reward them with fun activities, treats and positive feedback. If your child does something bad, though, they might get put in timeout, for example, or you might spank them (a decision doctors say you shouldn’t do).

Instead of focusing on punishment and reward, gentle parenting focuses on improving a child’s self-awareness and understanding of their own behavior.

Cleveland Clinic Health Essentials

Harsh Parenting Can Make the Child Angry at You Instead of Thinking About the .Behavior

Gentle parenting is a means of parenting without shame, blame, or punishment—that's the basic and most accurate definition even though there are many myths about gentle parenting that aren't true. It is centered on partnership as both parents and children have a say in this collaborative style. Gentle parenting is as it sounds; it is a softer, gentler approach to parenting, and parents and caregivers that practice gentle parenting do so by guiding their children with consistent, compassionate boundaries—not a firm hand.-By Kimberly Zapata

This is great but it sounds like the unattainable goal of "perfect parenting" to me. It has it's setbacks. Here are 3.

one

Parents who use gentle parenting techniques can feel guilt or blame when comparing themselves to the ideal of gentle parenting they see on social media. The last thing parents need is blame and guilt.

two

Children will misbehave because its a part of their natural learning process. They need to figure out what they can and can't do. If we respond to every misbehavior with nothing but compassion, how do young children learn to be assertive? What are we modelling?

Gentle parenting isn't supposed to be "permissive parenting". It talks about setting boundaries but sometimes falls short of telling us exactly how to do that empathetically.

Here's a response on gentle parenting from Psychology Today.

Gentle parenting prescribes an ideal first response to a child’s behavior, but leaves us hanging for how to respond when the child does not actually change a behavior (like interrupting when you’re on the phone).-Emily Edlynn Ph.D. for Psychology Today Posted March 18, 2024

three

Gentle parenting is a relatively new concept so there isn't much evidence that it actually works.

There is an evidence-based approach that produces positive, real-life results. it's called authoritative parenting or autonomy-supported parenting. In this approach, parents are compassionate, fair and attentive. They give short explanations and age-appropriate choices but remain in control of the children. Good-natured control without harsh words or punishments is the goal. Although harsh punishments aren't effective, natural and logical consequences can be used when children test the limits.

High-quality early childhood professionals like infant, toddler and preschool teachers know how to set boundaries with compassion and fairness. Limits support children in their quest to learn about the world. Good providers focus on age-appropriate development as well as empathy when setting limits. They know through experience that children are actually happier when they have respectful boundaries in place.

If you know a high-quality teacher or provider, talk to them about guidance and ways to set limits with empathy. And don't be afraid to ask questions about the early childhood professional themselves. Are they in the field for the long haul? Or just passing through?

In the midst of an child care crisis, parents and teachers need to get together in support of the children. Here's a list of things to say to your high quality provider to offer support.

At early childhood rocks, non-profit organization, we want to share with parents the exact words that high-quality providers use when children test the limits.

option one

If you're not already a community member, you can join us for free here and we'll automatically gift you with our 22-page guide on what to say to get your children to listen. You can click here or on the mock-up of the guide to join with just your email address.

This guide has been cherished by hundred of parents everywhere who are looking for clear and compassionate guidance on the exact words to use when things go wrong.

option two

If you need the exact words to use when a child hits or hurts, you can get this short, clear guide written by an early childhood scholar with 50 years of hand-on early childhood experience.

You can get this guide when you give a small donation to our non-profit organization. Your generosity allows this site to continue and spread it's message of support for parents and teachers.

Thanks for visiting today!

Nanci J Bradley is an early childhood and family educator, author, teacher, family aerobics instructor, and an all-around fun-loving person. She believes in the power of sleep, healthy eating, lifelong learning, and most of all, PLAY!  (click on the word) She studied early childhood ed at Triton College and received her BS in education in 1986 from NIU. She received her MA in human development from Pacific Oaks College in 2011. She lives and teaches in Madison WI.