Children can be challenging. Just when we've done just about everything we can think of for them, they turn around and do or say something that really scares us. And then we have to decide how to react. How can we manage to set boundaries and model empathy at the same time?

Especially when our own emotions are brewing.

As teachers and parents of the very young, we should be able to reach out to each other for support and love. But with the way things are today, we're often getting shame, blame, and criticism instead.

I'm not having any of that today. This early period in the lives of young children is too important to let our egos get in the way.

Here's what the National Research Council has to say about it:

But when we signed up to be parents and caregivers, we didn't sign up to be held to impossible standards with little reward.

Here are a few of my favorite techniques for setting boundaries in a good-natured but firm way.

one

Use "I" messages. Let them know that you're a person, too. Here are some common examples.

• I'm cooking. I'll read that book when I'm done. You can cry if you want to, but it's not going to make me stop cooking. Notice I let the child know there was some hope for what he was asking for, just not now.

  
  

• I like that bowl. You can touch it gently, but leave it on the table. If you pick it up, I'll have to put it somewhere else because glass breaks.

  
  

• I see your mouth going down like this and your hands clenched. It looks like you might be angry. (pause) It's OK to frown but I'm still going to eat my soup before we leave for the playground.

two

Notice and take joy in what they are doing. Toddlers are always doing something. By commenting on their actions, you give positive attention and help develop their language at the same time.

When you need to give direction, start with a verb.

• Put the book on the shelf.

• Take my hand.

• Do it the safe way.

• Climb on the climber, the shelf is for toys only.

three

Watch them carefully, and give them the least possible amount of help they need for success. This is how gifted teachers help children learn. Many people rush to "help" a child when they can't reach a toy or climb a ladder themselves. This teaches them to quit when they could persevere.

Instead, talk them through it and help them learn. It takes longer, but you'll get rewarded in the future.

Early Childhood Rocks is a nonprofit organization dedicated to changing the world through early childhood education

Nanci J Bradley is an early childhood and family educator, author, teacher, family aerobics instructor, and an all-around fun-loving person. She believes in the power of sleep, healthy eating, lifelong learning, and most of all, PLAY! (click on the word) She studied early childhood ed at Triton College and received her BS in education in 1986 from NIU. She received her MA in human development from Pacific Oaks College in 2011. She lives and teaches in Madison WI.